My entire life, I have looked up to my parents’ marriage and hoped for something as beautiful and pure as their love. I should be so lucky, I often thought.
For me, it was the definition of something to aspire to have one day. They seemed to be the picture-perfect couple.
Until the day I got the news.
The people whom I put on a pedestal because of their love were splitting up.
This made me question everything I thought I knew about love. How can two people who made me believe in soulmates part ways so easily? Shouldn’t they try harder?
But I soon learned that it doesn’t work that way. They gave it their all and ultimately, love just wasn’t enough.
Divorce sucks. I wasn’t even the one going through it but it shook me to my core. It was as if a bus had hit me and left me completely paralyzed and incapable of any emotion.
I was numb.
From a happy family, sitting at the dinner table, talking about their day while Dad is laughing about something funny that happened at work, to two people who can barely utter two complete sentences to each other if they are left in the same room.
They didn’t even think of me and how it completely altered my perspective on love and how hard it was for me to look at my two favorite people in the world become so bitter with one another after a love I foolishly believed would last a lifetime.
It made me realize that everything in life is temporary. As amazing as it seems at first, it NEVER lasts. Everything good that happens usually has an expiration date.
From a girl who viewed love through rose-colored glasses her entire life, they turned me into a CYNIC.
Watching my parents’ love crash before my very eyes made it hard for me to feel optimistic about love ever again. I can no longer love as freely and my guard is always up.
If I get too comfortable, I feel uneasy. As if something is going to come crashing down on me and give me a harsh reality check. How do I know it can last? How do I know it won’t fall apart when I am finally ready to give it my all? I always feel it will end in heartbreak. After all, it did with Mom and Dad.
Why would I be an exception?
It made me question everything.
If I’m in a relationship, I immediately want to know that it has a future. I need to know that it is real. I ask way too many questions and ask for a LOT in return. I have become paranoid and sometimes too needy.
How do I tell a guy I just met that my parents’ divorce broke me for love.Not exactly what someone wants to hear on a first date.
It made me take my time. I can no longer say I love you that easily. I need to be SURE if I’m going to let my guard down and leave myself open and exposed. But how can one ever be?
It’s much easier to hurt me now. I used to be more secure in myself. I didn’t need as much reassurance as I do now. Things affect me twice as hard and if I’m hurt, it takes me much longer to heal.
Arguments have become my Achilles heel. When things start getting messy, I flinch. I go back to my broken home, my parents screaming at each other and I just want to crawl into a hole and sob.
This entire ordeal has affected me more profoundly than I would like to admit.
I don’t like saying this but I feel incapable of love. And even if I manage to get myself to actually go on a date, expose myself and be vulnerable, I end up chasing them away with my cynicism and harsh demeanor. Who can blame them, anyway?
I need someone with a lot of patience and understanding.
I need someone who is not going to run the other way when they see how messed up I am.
I need someone to prove to me that it can happen to me too. That I am not a lost cause.
I’m sure that with time, I can get to that point.
So, whoever ends up falling for this broken girl, please, have patience. I promise I’ll try. I know I can. I just need someone who can stick beside me, while I figure it all out, and prove to me that there’s hope for me yet.